Lucian@going2paris.net
"Daring Greatly" - Chapter 3 "Understanding And Combating Shame" (Second Half)

Charlottesville, Virginia
March 28, 2020
In this section of the chapter, Brown talks about the differences between men and women when it comes to experiencing shame.
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Webs And Boxes - How Men And Women Experience Shame Differently
โMy and daughters theyโd rather see me die on top of my white horse than watch me fall off. You say you want us to be vulnerable and real, but cโmon. You canโt stand it. It makes you sick to see us like that.โ
What Iโve come to believe about men and women now that Iโve studied both is that men and women are equally affected by shame. The messages and expectations that fuel shame are most definitely organized by gender, but the experience of shame is universal and deeply human.
Women And The Shame Web
When I asked women to share their definitions or experiences of shame, hereโs what I heard:
1. Look perfect. Do perfect. Be perfect. Anything less than that is shaming.
2. Being judged by other mothers.
3. Being exposedโthe flawed parts of yourself that you want to hide from everyone are revealed.
4. No matter what I achieve or how far Iโve come, where I come from and what Iโve survived will always keep me from feeling like Iโm good enough.
5. Even though everyone knows that thereโs no way to do it all, everyone still expects it. Shame is when you canโt pull off looking like itโs under control.
6. Never enough at home. Never enough at work. Never enough in bed. Never enough with my parents. Shame is never enough.
7. No seat at the cool table. The pretty girls are laughing.
The real struggle for women -- what amplifies shame regardless of the category -- is that weโre expected (and sometimes desire) to be perfect, yet weโre not allowed to look as if weโre working for it. We want it to just materialize somehow. Everything should be effortless.
What I saw was a sticky, complex spiderweb of layered, conflicting, and competing expectations that dictate exactly:
1. who we should be
2. what we should be
3. how we should be
Specifically:
- Be perfect, but donโt make a fuss about it and donโt take time away from anything, like your family or your partner or your work, to achieve your perfection. If youโre really good, perfection should be easy.
- Donโt upset anyone or hurt anyoneโs feelings, but say whatโs on your mind.
- Dial the sexuality way up (after the kids are down, the dog is walked, and the house is clean), but dial it way down at the PTO meeting. And, geez, whatever you do, donโt confuse the two -- you know how we talk about those PTO sexpots.
- Just be yourself, but not if it means being shy or unsure. Thereโs nothing sexier than self-confidence (especially if youโre young and smokinโ hot).
- Donโt make people feel uncomfortable, but be honest.
- Donโt get too emotional, but donโt be too detached either. Too emotional and youโre hysterical. Too detached and youโre a coldhearted bitch.
The issue of โstay small, sweet, quiet, and modestโ sounds like an outdated problem, but the truth is that women still run into those demands whenever we find and use our voices.
Men and Shame
When I asked men to define shame or give me an answer, hereโs what I heard:
1. Shame is failure. At work. On the football field. In your marriage. In bed. With money. With your children. It doesnโt matterโshame is failure.
2. Shame is being wrong. Not doing it wrong, but being wrong.
3. Shame is a sense of being defective.
4. Shame happens when people think youโre soft. Itโs degrading and shaming to be seen as anything but tough.
5. Revealing any weakness is shaming. Basically, shame is weakness.
6. Showing fear is shameful. You canโt show fear. You canโt be afraidโno matter what.
7. Shame is being seen as โthe guy you can shove up against the lockers.โ
8. Our worst fear is being criticized or ridiculed -- either one of these is extremely shaming.
Basically, men live under the pressure of one unrelenting message: Do not be perceived as weak.
Whenever my graduate students were going to do interviews with men, I told them to prepare for three things: high school stories, sports metaphors, and the word pussy.
Like the demands on women to be naturally beautiful, thin, and perfect at everything, especially motherhood, the box has rules that tell men what they should and shouldnโt do, and who theyโre allow
Pay No Attention To That Man Behind The Curtain
I was not prepared to hear over and over from men how the women -- the mothers, sisters, girlfriends, wives -- in their lives are constantly criticizing them for not being open and vulnerable and intimate, all the while they are standing in front of that cramped wizard closet where their men are huddled inside, adjusting the curtain and making sure no one sees in and no one gets out.
Hereโs the painful pattern that emerged from my research with men: We ask them to be vulnerable, we beg them to let us in, and we plead with them to tell us when theyโre afraid, but the truth is that most women canโt stomach it. In those moments when real vulnerability happens in men, most of us recoil with fear and that fear manifests as everything from disappointment to disgust.
And men are very smart. They know the risks, and they see the look in our eyes when weโre thinking, Cโmon! Pull it together. Man up. As Joe Reynolds, one of my mentors and the dean at our church, once told me during a conversation about men, shame, and vulnerability, โMen know what women really want. They want us to pretend to be vulnerable. We get really good at pretending.โ
When I asked a man if he thought that it was his wifeโs intention to hurt him or shame him, he responded, โIโm not sure. Who knows? I turned down a job that paid a lot more but required traveling three weeks out of the month. She said she was supportive, and that she and the kids would miss me too much, but now she makes little comments about money all of the time. I have no idea what to think.โ
Pissed Off Or Shut Down
When it comes to men, there seem to be two primary responses: pissed off or shut down.
Men, when they develop shame awareness, learn to respond to shame with awareness, self-compassion, and empathy. But without that awareness, when men feel that rush of inadequacy and smallness, they normally respond with anger and/or by completely turning off.
โIn that single moment (when a coach yelled at him), I became very clear about how the world works and what it means to be a man: โI am not allowed to be afraid.
โI am not allowed to show fear. โI am not allowed to be vulnerable. โShame is being afraid, showing fear, or being vulnerable.โ
Shame resilienceโthe four elements we discussed in the Chapter 2 โis about finding a middle path, an option that allows us to stay engaged and to find the emotional courage we need to respond in a way that aligns with our values.
Iโm Only As Hard On Others As I Am On Myself
Women can be very hard on other women. We are hard on others because weโre hard on ourselves. Thatโs exactly how judgment works. Finding someone to put down, judge, or criticize becomes a way to get out of the web or call attention away from our box. If youโre doing worse than I am at something, I think, my chances of surviving are better.
Weโre so desperate to get out and stay out of shame that weโre constantly serving up the people around us as more deserving prey.
Whatโs ironic (or perhaps natural) is that research tells us that we judge people in areas where weโre vulnerable to shame, especially picking folks who are doing worse than weโre doing. If I feel good about my parenting, I have no interest in judging other peopleโs choices. If I feel good about my body, I donโt go around making fun of other peopleโs weight or appearance. Weโre hard on each other because weโre using each other as a launching pad out of our own perceived shaming deficiency. Itโs hurtful and ineffective, and if you look at the mean-girl culture in middle schools and high schools, itโs also contagious. Weโve handed this counterfeit survival mechanism down to our children.
Empathy requires some vulnerability, and we risk getting back a โmind your own damn businessโ look, but itโs worth it. It doesnโt just loosen up the web for her. It loosens it up for us the next time itโs our child and our Cheeriosโand you can bet it will be.
If weโre willing to dare greatly and risk vulnerability with each other, worthiness has the power to set us free.
Men, Women, Sex
From the time boys are eight to ten years old, they learn that initiating sex is their responsibility and that sexual rejection soon becomes the hallmark of masculine shame.
โI guess the secret is that sex is terrifying for most men. Thatโs why you see everything from porn to the violent, desperate attempts to exercise power and control. Rejection is deeply painful.โ
Cultivating intimacy -- physical or emotional -- is almost impossible when our shame triggers meet head-on and create the perfect shame storm. Sometimes these shame storms are directly about sex and intimacy, but often there are outlying gremlins wreaking havoc in our relationships. Common issues include body image, aging, appearance, money, parenting, motherhood, exhaustion, resentment, and fear. When I asked men, women, and couples how they practiced Wholeheartedness around these very sensitive and personal issues, one answer came up again and again: honest, loving conversations that require major vulnerability. We have to be able to talk about how we feel, what we need and desire, and we have to be able to listen with an open heart and an open mind. There is no intimacy without vulnerability. Yet another powerful example of vulnerability as courage.
The Words We Can Never Take Back
When I talk to couples, I can see how shame creates one of the dynamics most lethal to a relationship. Women, who feel shame when they donโt feel heard or validated, often resort to pushing and provoking with criticism (โWhy donโt you ever do enough?โ or โYou never get it rightโ). Men, in turn, who feel shame when they feel criticized for being inadequate, either shut down (leading women to poke and provoke more) or come back with anger.
Keys to solid relationships are vulnerability, love, humor, respect, shame-free fighting, and blame-free living. We donโt teach these relationship skills.
We can all agree that feeling shame is an incredibly painful experience. What we often donโt realize is that perpetrating shame is equally as painful, and no one does that with the precision of a partner or a parent. These are the people who know us the best and who bear witness to our vulnerabilities and fears. Thankfully, we can apologize for shaming someone we love, but the truth is that those shaming comments leave marks.
Shaming someone we love around vulnerability is the most serious of all security breaches. Even if we apologize, weโve done serious damage because weโve demonstrated our willingness to use sacred information as a weapon.
We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness, and affection. Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of themโwe can only love others as much as we love ourselves. Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed, and rare.
I heard the idea of self-love as a prerequisite to loving others, and I hated it. Sometimes itโs so much easier to love my family than it is to love myself. Itโs so much easier to accept their quirks and eccentricities than it is to practice self-love around what I see as my deep flaws. But in practicing self-love over the past couple of years, I can say that it has immeasurably deepened my relationships with the people I love. Itโs given me the courage to show up and be vulnerable in new ways, and thatโs what love is all about.
Becoming Real
When looking at the attributes our culture associates with masculinity in the US, researchers identified the following: winning, emotional control, risk-taking, violence, dominance, playboy, self-reliance, primacy of work, power over women, disdain for homosexuality, and pursuit of status.
Shame is universal, but the messages and expectations that drive shame are organized by gender.
These feminine and masculine norms are the foundation of shame triggers, and hereโs why: If women want to play by the rules, they need to be sweet, thin, and pretty, stay quiet, be perfect moms and wives, and not own their power. One move outside of these expectations and BAM! The shame web closes in.
Men, on the other hand, need to stop feeling, start earning, put everyone in their place, and climb their way to the top or die trying. Push open the lid of your box to grab a breath of air, or slide that curtain back a bit to see whatโs going on, and BAM! Shame cuts you down to size.
The man in shame says, โIโm not supposed to get emotional when I have to lay off these people.โ The man practicing shame resilience responds, โIโm not buying into this message. Iโve worked with these guys for five years. I know their families. Iโm allowed to care about them.โ
Shame whispers in the ear of the woman whoโs out of town on business, โYouโre not a good mother because youโre going to miss your sonโs class play.โ She replies, โI hear you, but Iโm not playing that tape today. My mothering is way bigger than one class performance. You can leave now.โ
Remembering that shame is the fear of disconnection -- the fear that weโre unlovable and donโt belong -- makes it easy to see why so many people in midlife overfocus on their childrenโs lives, work sixty hours a week, or turn to affairs, addiction, and disengagement. We start to unravel. The expectations and messages that fuel shame keep us from fully realizing who we are as people.
If weโre going to find our way out of shame and back to each other, vulnerability is the path and courage is the light. To push aside those lists of what weโre supposed to be is brave. To love ourselves and support each other in the process of becoming real is perhaps the greatest single act of daring greatly.
โReal isnโt how you are made,โ said the Skin Horse. โItโs a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but really loves you, then you become Real.โ โDoes it hurt?โ asked the Rabbit. โSometimes,โ said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. โWhen you are Real, you donโt mind being hurt.โ โDoes it happen all at once, like being wound up,โ he asked, โor bit by bit?โ โIt doesnโt happen all at once,โ said the Skin Horse. โYou become. It takes a long time. Thatโs why it doesnโt often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out, and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things donโt matter at all, because once you are Real, you canโt be ugly, except to people who donโt understand.โ