Confidence & Shame

Charlottesville

October 20, 2025

I apologize that my blog has become a place for me to capture my musings on certain topics. Not as much fun to read or write as my wanderabout posts, but maybe helpful in the long run to capture some of the emotional/intellectual journey that I am on?

Over the past seven weeks I have been coaching kids from 5 to 11 years old at First Tee. We've talked about responsibility, respect, confidence, goal setting/pursuit and perseverance. The most challenging of those ... I'll call them concepts ... for me to discuss is confidence. Is it a trait or a skill? How come some kids seem to have it in excess, some kids (appear to) have it and some kids can't seem to find it? And is it correct to see the flip side of confidence as shame?

Here I go trying to tackle those questions:

Trait or Skill?

Google AI gave me the following answer.

Confidence is best described as both a skill and a trait. While some individuals may have a natural inclination toward self-assurance (the trait aspect), it is not a fixed quality. Confidence can be learned, developed, and practiced through conscious effort and experience, making it a valuable skill. 

Confidence as a skill

Viewing confidence as a skill is a powerful perspective because it means anyone can cultivate and improve it over time. Much like communication or leadership, confidence is a "soft skill" that is honed through practice and experience. Key strategies for developing it include: 

• Setting and achieving goals: Achieving small, realistic goals helps build a sense of competence and pride in your abilities.

• Embracing failure: Viewing setbacks as learning opportunities rather than personal failings builds resilience and a stronger self-image.

• Learning and practice: Mastering a specific skill or gaining knowledge in a certain area naturally boosts your confidence in that domain.

• Positive self-talk: Intentionally reframing negative thoughts into constructive ones can build self-belief.

• Facing your fears: Gradually stepping outside of your comfort zone, even in small ways, helps you build proof that you can handle challenging situations.

• Self-care: Taking care of your body through healthy eating, exercise, and sleep can significantly improve your mood and energy levels, which boosts confidence. 

Confidence as a trait

In psychology, some aspects of confidence are considered traits, meaning they are part of a person's innate temperament or personality.

• Genetic predisposition: Early research on twins suggests that genetic factors may influence one's innate confidence levels to some degree.

• Influence of environment: These genetic factors are not absolute and are shaped by environmental influences, especially during childhood. A supportive and encouraging upbringing, for instance, can nurture self-worth.

• Temperament: Inborn qualities, such as an individual's temperament, can predispose them to be more or less outgoing, which may be mistaken for a fixed level of confidence. 

The interplay of skill and trait

Ultimately, confidence is a complex phenomenon shaped by both nature and nurture. While some people may start with a genetic or temperamental head start, every individual can increase their self-assurance through deliberate practice and self-awareness. This means that whether you start with a low or high baseline, your confidence is dynamic and can be actively strengthened throughout your life's journey. 

Hmmm. That all sounds reasonable. But what about that internal critic that exists in us -- all of us or only some of us? It never freaking stops!

And how do you know when you are confident? It doesn't mean you don't get nervous -- it is not an absence of fear or doubt, right? Maybe the definition of confidence is helpful -- "a feeling of self-assurance arising from one's appreciation of one's own abilities or qualities."

Self-assurance? Which is circularly defined as "confidence in one's own abilities or character."

As I wrote the preceding, I thought of the Scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz. What does Google have to say about him?

"Scarecrow confidence" refers to the idea that a person may lack confidence even though they already possess the intelligence or abilities they desire, much like the Scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz. The Scarecrow's journey shows that his supposed lack of a brain was a matter of self-doubt; his confidence grew as he proved his intelligence through actions, with the "brain" he received from the Wizard being merely a symbol. This concept can also be called the "Scarecrow Effect" and is used to describe how external symbols of achievement, like a diploma, can boost confidence in those who already have the underlying competence. 

Key aspects of the Scarecrow's confidence

• Lack of self-belief:

  The Scarecrow was convinced he lacked a brain, making him feel he was a failure despite his intelligence. 

• Journey reveals true self:

  The challenges he faced on his journey to the Emerald City allowed him to use his intellect to solve problems, proving his capabilities to himself. 

• Confidence is a symbol:

  The "brain" the Wizard gives him is a diploma, a symbolic gift that gives him the confidence to believe in what he already was all along. 

• Demonstrating, not acquiring:

  The story suggests that confidence is built by having opportunities to act and succeed, not by acquiring a symbol of achievement. 

The "Scarecrow Effect"

• The term "Scarecrow Effect" is used to describe how people can feel they are lacking something (like a college degree) when, in reality, their success is more dependent on other factors like confidence, vision, and determination.

• The idea is that focusing on external validation can prevent people from recognizing their own inherent strengths and abilities.

• It highlights the difference between believing you can succeed and having the qualifications, suggesting that the former is the more critical component

Interesting but not a panacea. Why do people that seem to have it all together sometimes lack confidence? I'm going to need to think about that in light of what I have written here.

Now what about shame?

Brene Brown is my goto expert regarding shame. Here is what Google says she says about it.

Brené Brown, a research professor, defines shame as the "intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging". Her work, detailed in books like Daring Greatly, focuses on how shame differs from other emotions like guilt and how developing shame resilience is key to living a "wholehearted" life. 

Shame vs. guilt

Brown highlights a critical distinction between shame and guilt, emphasizing that guilt is constructive while shame is destructive. 

• Shame: The focus is on the self. It's the feeling that "I am bad" or "I am a mistake." Shame can lead to feelings of being unworthy, unlovable, and isolated.

• Guilt: The focus is on a specific behavior. It's the feeling that "I did something bad" or "I made a mistake." Unlike shame, guilt can be a motivating force for positive change, such as making amends. 

The pervasiveness of shame

Brown argues that shame is a universal human emotion that affects everyone, not just those who have experienced trauma. 

• The "unspoken epidemic": Shame thrives on secrecy and silence, leading people to numb their emotions through unhealthy behaviors like addiction, overeating, or excessive spending.

• Categories of shame: Through her research, Brown has identified 12 areas where people commonly experience shame, including appearance and body image, money and work, parenting, health, and family.

• Societal expectations: For women, shame is often driven by a "web of conflicting and competing expectations." For men, shame can center on the single, powerful expectation to never be perceived as weak. 

Shame resilience theory

The antidote to shame is empathy, and Brown developed Shame Resilience Theory (SRT) to help people move toward connection and authenticity. SRT includes four key practices: 

1. Recognizing shame and its triggers: Individuals must first be able to identify shame when it arises, including its physical symptoms and emotional triggers.

2. Practicing critical awareness: This involves understanding the external expectations and messages that fuel shame. It helps people see that many of these expectations are unrealistic or harmful and do not reflect their true worth.

3. Reaching out: The process involves connecting with others who have earned the right to hear your story. Because empathy is a "hostile environment" for shame, connection can be transformative.

4. Speaking shame: By putting words to the experience, individuals can ask for what they need and dismantle the secrecy that gives shame its power. 

The power of vulnerability

Central to overcoming shame is the concept of embracing vulnerability. Brown argues that vulnerability is not a weakness but is the birthplace of courage, empathy, and connection. By being willing to "show up and be seen," people can practice the skills of shame resilience and cultivate a sense of worthiness. 

I wonder what Ms. Brown has to say about shame versus confidence? Thanks to Google...

According to Brené Brown, shame and confidence are opposing forces, with shame being a "soul-crushing" experience that erodes our self-worth, and confidence being built through the willingness to be vulnerable. 

The destructive nature of shame

Brown defines shame as the "intense feeling of being unworthy and disconnected due to a perceived flaw or mistake". It thrives on secrecy, silence, and judgment, often manifesting as a sense of isolation. When we feel shame, our inner "gremlins" tell us we are fundamentally unlovable, leading us to hide our true selves. 

The source of true confidence

True confidence is not born from a place of perfectionism, which Brown says fuels shame. Instead, it is built through the courage to be vulnerable—the willingness to be open and authentic with others, even when there's a risk of emotional exposure. Brown emphasizes that vulnerability is not weakness; it is the truest measure of courage.

How to move from shame to confidence

• Practice empathy. The single most powerful antidote to shame is empathy. When we share our story with someone who responds with understanding, shame cannot survive.

• Build shame resilience. This involves recognizing and challenging the negative internal narratives that shame creates. By questioning these thoughts, we build inner strength and a more realistic self-image.

• Embrace vulnerability. Choosing to be vulnerable fosters connection, which counteracts the isolation of shame. This means daring to be seen and allowing yourself to be imperfect.

• Embrace grounded confidence. Brown suggests replacing the "armor" we use for self-protection with "grounded confidence." This is the ability to stay curious, and navigate vulnerability without "tapping out".

• Let go of perfectionism. Confidence grows by doing and trying new things, not by waiting to be perfect. As we accept our imperfections, we can step into the world with greater courage.

• Practice self-compassion. Being kind and gentle with yourself in the midst of shame is critical. This practice makes it more likely that you will reach out for connection and experience the empathy that heals shame.

Ok, so maybe I am getting someplace here. Confidence is about being VULNERABLE, believing I AM ENOUGH and recognizing that when something bad happens it is NOT A REFLECTION OF MY WORTH.