Lesson From First Tee

Insert graphic showing how magic is found outside our comfort zone.

Charlottesville

March 19, 2026

I had a powerful experience coaching at First Tee last night.

Along with a couple of other coaches, I was leading a group of six kids, all but one 12 years old or older. This was the third class of the session where our theme is “collaborating with others.” This week’s life lesson was “being your best self.”

Having introduced the lesson, I asked the kids what being their best self meant to them. They are a quiet group — more like silent group — but I got the impression that they understood ‘“best” doesn’t mean perfect and that it requires patience and practice.

At the end of class one of coaches said we might to address self confidence, as the kids he was working with had said things like “I can’t do that” and defeat when their shots weren’t “good.”

So many thoughts and memories flashed through my mind of the pain that low self confidence can wreak on a preteen/teen. I wanted to hug each kid and do a Vulcan mind meld to implant self confidence and worthiness into their minds — and hearts.

But that’s not possible.

What might be possible is to help them learn the language of growing self confidence. Of facing the fear of doing new things. Of the language of self confidence — resilience, belief, worthiness, comfort zone (“life begins…”), self compassion, etc. And the language of “not” self confident — should, failure, not good enough, shame, I’ll never, etc.

What I did in the moment was tell the kids that they weren’t alone in having negative thoughts. I told them about Avery and not being nervous before games but excited — how sometimes it’s just about flipping the switch on their perspective. I spoke about resilience and the craziness that our minds are wired to protect us, but how that wiring can make us think negative thoughts.

They don’t know that this is a journey I have been on. And that I feel confident that if given the chance I can help them develop the language of self confidence. While it’s a journey each kid must go on, maybe we can help them explicitly develop the skill of self confidence.

I found this Google AI description of self confidence to be useful and a good reminder:

Self-confidence is an internal, developable belief in your abilities and judgment, fostering resilience and proactive action. It is built through taking action despite fear, consistent practice of skills, and positive self-talk, rather than waiting for certainty. Key strategies include setting small goals, embracing failures as learning opportunities, and practicing self-compassion.

Key Aspects of Self-Confidence

Internal Trust: Unlike external confidence (driven by praise), self-confidence stems from within and remains steady regardless of circumstances.

Action-Oriented: Confidence is built by doing. It requires stepping out of comfort zones and facing fears.

Growth Mindset: It involves believing in your ability to learn, adapt, and handle challenges.

Ways to Build Self-Confidence

Practice Positive Self-Talk: Replace thoughts like "I can't do this" with "I am learning" or "I can handle this challenge".

Set Small Goals: Achieve small, manageable goals to build a track record of success and boost self-belief.

[Face Your Fears]: Regularly engage in activities that make you uncomfortable to reduce anxiety and build competence.

Stop Comparing Yourself: Focus on your own journey, as comparing to others often creates, insecurity, and envy.

Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with kindness when you fail, rather than harshly judging yourself.

Common Signs of Low Confidence

Avoiding risks and new experiences to stay in a comfort zone.

Being overly sensitive to criticism or needing constant reassurance.

Focusing on failures and replaying mistakes.

Building confidence is a journey, not a final destination, and requires regular, consistent effort.