The Emotional Hole You Can’t Fill With Golf

What happens when golf becomes a mirror for your self-worth.

by Josh Nichols

Golf is one of the most emotionally charged games in existence.

Every shot can feel personal. Every mistake can feel like a reflection of who you are.

That’s exactly why golf so easily turns from a fun game into a tool for managing our emotions — and I want to explore why that never quite works.

The Hidden Transaction

Most golfers don’t realize they’re making a trade every time they play:

“If I play well, I get to feel good about myself. If I play poorly, I don’t deserve to feel good.”

That quiet deal is the start of what we can call the inadequacy loop — a psychological pattern that looks like this:

1. You feel off, insecure, or not enough.

2. You chase relief by practicing harder or performing better.

3. You feel good when you play well.

4. The feeling fades, and the cycle starts again.

   
   

The brain loves this loop because it mimics short-term relief from anxiety.

But in the long run, it teaches your nervous system that self-worth has to be earned — through birdies, rankings, or the approval of others.

That’s how golf stops being a game and starts being an emotional survival strategy.

Why It Never Works

Using golf to regulate emotion is what psychologists call conditional self-acceptance.

It’s the idea that performing well will neutralize uncomfortable feelings — like inadequacy, shame, or fear of failure.

The problem?

External performance can’t create lasting internal security.

When your identity is fused with your score, your sense of safety is constantly at risk.

Every round feels like your self-worth is on the line.

And no amount of good golf can create peace if your brain has learned, “I’m only okay when I win.”

The Shift: From Proving to Expressing & Testing

Performance tied to self-worth leads to this feeling of constantly proving your value. To yourself or to others

When you play to prove:

• Every shot is about validation.

• Your emotions feel dangerous — something to control or hide.

• Golf becomes a measure of worth.

  
  

Instead of playing to prove, play to express and test.

That small shift moves you from a controlling, ego-driven mindset to an autonomous one — from anxiety to curiosity.

When you play to express:

• Emotion becomes part of the experience, not something to eliminate.

• You can feel nervous or frustrated and still play with freedom, because your identity isn’t at stake.

• Golf turns into creativity, not control.

  
  

And when you play to test:

• Every shot is feedback, not judgment.

• Curiosity replaces fear — you’re learning what works, not defending who you are.

• Mistakes are part of gathering data.

  
  

This is what psychologists call values-based action — choosing behaviors guided by personal values rather than emotions or outcomes.

A Practical Check-In

Here’s a simple framework you can use the next time you practice or play:

1. Awareness

Ask: “What am I hoping this round will fix emotionally?”

Sometimes the answer is uncomfortable — that’s okay.

2. Acceptance

Name the feeling you’re carrying: fear, frustration, inadequacy, pressure.

Let it exist without needing to change it.

3. Action

Commit to the shot anyway.

Play from your values — curiosity, fun, learning — not from insecurity.

Freedom doesn’t come from avoiding emotion. It comes from realizing you don’t have to obey it.

The Takeaway

You can’t fill an emotional hole with better golf.

Because the hole isn’t the problem — digging it even deeper is.

Every time you try to earn peace through performance, you dig deeper.

But when you stop digging — when you start playing from acceptance rather than avoidance — the game feels lighter.

As Susan David said in her book Emotional Agility (p. 61),

“We end the tug-of-war by dropping the rope.”¹

And that’s usually when the scores start taking care of themselves.

This article was inspired by a conversation I had on The Mental Golf Show with Dr. Doug Tataryn. You can listen to that episode here.

Sources:

1. David, S. (2016). Emotional agility: Get unstuck, embrace change, and thrive in work and life. New York, NY: Avery.

So then what should I try to express?

We golfers have a natural tendency to try to prove our worth through our golf game. But in order to play our best and enjoy the game the most, we need to instead focus on the process of playing well.

In order to go from proving to expressing, you first need something to express. Something to focus on besides your results or score.

A great outlet of expression is your pre-shot routine.

Instead of focusing on how good you’re playing, you can focus on how well you’re doing your process.

So you should learn what a good pre-shot process even is.

I’ve always thought that I had a solid pre-shot routine, but I could never really put words to it. So I wanted to put together a course that neatly packages my thoughts on the pre-shot routine all in one place.

You should check it out, I’m proud of the way it turned out.