Hidden Hills
January 26, 2023
From the WSJ:
Positivity-infused software, gratitude journals, desk mirrors. One columnist’s attempt to become a glass-half-full type.
I’m pessimistic by nature, sarcastic and cynical, prone to negative prognostications and insecurities.
Which is why my husband looked at me strangely when I greeted the end of our holiday break by declaring, “It’s going to be a great year! I can’t wait to get back into a routine!”
Grasping at straws, I added: “I’m so glad we deep-cleaned the fridge during vacation!”It was Night One of my positivity project, a self-imposed attempt to manifest the optimism and cheer I’ve always wished I had more of. Glass-half-full types seem to get things done, rally people around them, and have more fun doing it—or so it appeared to me.
If I were finally the sunny one, would my colleagues respond differently? Would my life run better? Would my husband be freaked out—or more psyched to take out the trash when I asked?
No better time to find out than January, the month that kicks off with postholiday doldrums and slides into Blue Monday, allegedly the most depressing day of the year. This was going to take some work.
Positive-psychology researcher Michelle Gielan cautioned me that while you can push your brain to see the world differently, “you can’t will yourself to be happy.”
Oh yeah? Let’s try.
Ask the app
I set my experiment for a week, starting with a software tool that promised to do the heavy lifting for me. Grammarly, the online writing assistant, debuted a feature in October to help professionals transform terse emails, Slack messages and Google Docs into positive, personable and confident missives. Best known for helping its 30 million users insert commas and capitalization in the right places, Grammarly charges $12 a month for “tone-rewrite suggestions” and other features.
About to confess to your boss, “I have no idea how to do this”? Grammarly’s chirpy pop-up will implore you to go instead with, “I am trying to figure out how to do this.”
Not going to be able to get that report in before Wednesday? Try, “I can provide the report by Wednesday at the earliest,” says Courtney Napoles, the company’s head of language research.
“Instead of what you can’t do, what can you do?” she says.
The product steers clear of emojis and doesn’t insert exclamation marks. Dr. Napoles says the team didn’t want to soften people’s messages too much.
Users have to click to accept the changes. For this user, that was a problem. I cringed when the confidence suggestions took out my “kind ofs,” “just wonderings” and “maybes.”
Would my bosses see me as arrogant if I didn’t hedge? My editor responded normally after I sent off a bracingly direct request. Still, I worried it was an overstep or just plain rude.
I thought I could fake it until I made it. But I needed to actually feel confident and positive to communicate that way.
The smile mirror
Ms. Gielan, the positive-psychology researcher, had some ideas. She prescribed a daily gratitude practice, writing down three new, specific and good things that happened each day. (Side note: Is journaling a panacea for everything these days?) I was also to send a quick note to someone in my support network—friends, family, people I admired—to thank them.
Dwelling on my daughter’s laughter at bedtime or my good luck in catching an earlier train than expected did make me feel warm and grateful. Sending positive messages out into the world boosted my spirits, even when the email I sent to a high-profile author didn’t garner a reply.
At the office, I tested out what Ms. Gielan calls a power lead—starting a conversation with something good, rather than a gripe. When colleagues asked how my holidays were, I raved about a recent Disney on Ice show, and for once didn’t mention that someone behind us threw up and that two light-up souvenirs cost me $70. In turn, I found co-workers were perkier with me.
Andrea Wojnicki, an executive communication coach, recommended that I put a Post-it note with a smiley face and the word “enthusiasm!” on my computer monitor. I also popped a mirror on my desk to ensure I was smiling during work calls, a technique that some sales and call-center workers use while working the phones.
“People can hear your smile through your voice,” Dr. Wojnicki told me.
She suggested incorporating phrases like, “I’m excited for,” and “I’m looking forward to,” into conversation, noting that enthusiasm and confidence can breed likability and credibility. I filed a column to my editors with a note advertising it as “A fun one!”—though I wasn’t convinced it was fun at all.
Trust…loudly?
Later in the week, faced with a babysitter I feared was going to ghost me, I employed what Jamil Zaki, director of the Stanford University social neuroscience lab, calls “trusting loudly,” telling others that you’re counting on them and expressing your appreciation. Doing so can influence a person’s behavior, he says, by motivating them to embody who you want them to be.
The babysitter seemed slightly weirded out by my heartfelt text messages. She responded with a simple, “OK,” after I professed how much we loved her and assured her we knew she took such good care of the children. Still, she showed up.
The hardest moments came when things really went sideways, like receiving negative feedback at work or surviving five days of solo parenting while my husband traveled. For one rotten day, I gave up on the positivity project altogether, complaining incessantly and shooting off snide texts.
I’d been keeping my self-improvement attempt secret, but confessed and tapped a few sunny friends for help. When I lamented to one about being on my own, he reframed it as an opportunity to spend more time with the kids. I asked how he managed to stay perpetually cheery.
He explained he was “pronoid,” a made-up word he defines as the opposite of paranoid. He always believes the world is conspiring in his favor.
I doubt I’ll ever see things that way. But I’ve also realized that you don’t have to alter your entire personality to benefit from positivity. After all, Ms. Gielan, the positive-psychology researcher, assured me that a dose of commiseration, too, can strengthen relationships. Plus, who wants to hang out with someone who’s bubbly all the time?
“That makes for actually kind of a boring existence,” she says.
Finding the UpsideHow to put a positive spin on some common negative statements, according to online writing tool GrammarlyNEGATIVEPOSITIVEI have no idea how to do this.I am trying to figure out how to do this.This report is terrible.This report could be better.I can’t do anything right.I need help to do this right.We're never going to get this done.We're going to need more time to get this done.Bob has no idea what he’s doing.Bob has yet to learn what he’s doing.
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