April 26, 2026 -- Some Thoughts On Resilience

Resilience is built when life doesn’t go your way.

I have learned a lot about resilience since August 25, 2016. Up to that time and for sometime after, I didn't understand resilience. I did not comprehend that resilience is "the ability to adapt well to adversity, trauma, or significant stress, allowing individuals to "bounce back" or grow from difficult experiences." I didn't "adapt" or "bounce back" from difficult experiences. I didn't change and ask what I could do differently. I just put my head down and continue to charge forward -- not appreciating that I was emotionally draining (actually damaging is the better word) myself.

I am a much better person than I was back then. I have changed. I can still be headstrong but not very often -- and not with people that I love and care for.

I am posting this article because it is a good reminder to me of how important developing resilience is to our success and happiness.

Key points

• Resilience is born through adversity and when you face discomfort, setbacks, and uncertainty, not avoid them.

• Your emotions are entry points for growth when exercising psychological flexibility.

• When you persist through difficulty in service of your values, you build confidence and adaptability.

  
  

We often talk about resilience as if it’s something we either have or we don’t. But resilience is not a fixed trait; it’s a dynamic process. It is cultivated through how we engage with adversity, not how we avoid it.

Every roadblock teaches us something valuable if we’re open to noticing and accepting it. The reality we may resist is that it is built in the very moments we wish were not happening. It can sometimes interrupt our plans, dismantle our expectations, and confront us with a reality that feels unfair or uncomfortable. Yet within that disruption lies something profoundly humanistic: an opportunity to grow, adapt, and reconnect with our capacity to prove to ourselves that we can endure and persevere.

The Power of Roadblocks

When life doesn’t go as planned, we often internalize it as failure. But obstacles are not indictments of our worth; they are reflections of our humanness. To be human is to encounter limits and struggle.

We are not in control of everything. We cannot predict every outcome. And when we’re faced with that reality, it can feel disappointing and destabilizing. The mindset that I don’t have all the answers—but I can keep going is central to resilience. Research shows that individuals who adopt a growth-oriented perspective and view setbacks as opportunities to learn demonstrate greater persistence and adaptability (Dweck, 2006).

Resilience Connects Us to Our Humanity

There’s a paradox at the heart of resilience: The more we allow ourselves to experience disappointment, vulnerability, and uncertainty, the stronger we become. We progressively build the muscle to prevail despite adversity, discomfort, and pain, which are all inclusive of our humanity.

Resilience is not built through avoidance; it’s built through emotional engagement. In my TEDx Talk Circumventing Emotional Avoidance, I outline what drives us to avoid and what to do about it. What’s evident is that when we avoid difficult emotions, distress tends to intensify. But when we allow ourselves to feel, process, and move through them, we develop what psychologists call psychological flexibility—a key predictor of resilience (Hayes et al., 2006).

Disappointment, for example, reflects something important: It reflects what we care about. It connects us to our values, our hopes, and our investments in life. We feel disappointed because we are attached to outcomes, expectations, and hope. Attachment is not inherently problematic; in fact, it gives our lives meaning. But resilience requires that we hold these attachments lightly and with flexibility.

As mindfulness research suggests, the ability to observe thoughts and emotions without becoming entangled in them allows for greater emotional regulation and well-being (Kabat-Zinn, 2003). Resilience invites us to ask: Given what is, how do I respond now?

Why Effort and Meaning Matter

We live in a culture that prioritizes immediacy. We demand and expect quick results, instant gratification, and effortless success. But resilience is built in a different space: one that requires effort, patience, the possibility of discomfort, and a willingness to stay no matter what.

When something truly matters to us, it demands investment, a commitment of time, sustained effort, and continual persistence. However, often, the presence of difficulty makes us question whether it’s worth it, and the presence of uncomfortable emotions leads us to avoid and to abandon ourselves.

But research on motivation suggests that meaningful goals, and those aligned with intrinsic values, are more likely to sustain effort over time, even in the face of obstacles (Ryan & Deci, 2000).

What if you were to reframe your defeating and sabotaging thoughts and consider that struggle is not a signal to stop, but a signal that you are engaged in something meaningful? Every time you continue despite difficulty, you reinforce a critical internal belief: I am capable, and through persistence, I’m leaning into my worthiness and strengthening my self-belief and confidence.

Over time, this belief becomes integrated as part of your identity, and identity-based resilience is one of the strongest predictors of long-term adaptation (Southwick et al., 2014).

Emotions as a Catalyst for Growth

We tend to view uncomfortable feelings, such as disappointment, frustration, and sadness, as something to avoid. But when approached with curiosity, they can become a powerful catalyst for growth.

When faced with a setback, resilience invites reflection. Ask yourself:

• What did I expect?

• What actually happened?

• How do I think and feel about it?

• What can I learn?

• What can I do differently?

Remind yourself that you are not your setback; you are the person responding to it. This shift, from self-blame to problem-solving, activates agency. Research on coping shows that individuals who engage in active problem-solving and cognitive reappraisal demonstrate greater resilience and lower levels of distress (Folkman & Moskowitz, 2004).

The Role of Acceptance in Resilience

Acceptance is often misunderstood as giving up. It is one of the most powerful tools for resilience. It’s an active process of noticing and acknowledging reality without unnecessary resistance (Maidenberg, 2023). In fact, resisting emotional experiences often amplifies distress and suffering, while acceptance reduces it (Hayes et al., 2006).

Acceptance says: This is what’s happening right now, despite how I think and feel about it. Acceptance creates space. And in that space, you gain access to clarity, intentionality, and choice.

Resilience Is a Practice

Growth requires active participation and ongoing engagement. One of its greatest threats is complacency. When things feel stable, it’s easy to disengage and disconnect. Resilience requires continued awareness and effort. It asks you to stay present, stay intentional, stay aligned with your values and what matters most, and continue showing up even when it’s uncomfortable.

It invites questions like:

• Am I living in alignment with my values?

• Am I putting in the effort this requires?

• Where might I be avoiding necessary discomfort?

Resilience grows when you continue to show up, especially when it’s hard.

The Truth About Resilience

The next time you encounter a setback, remember this:

Resilience is not about avoiding the fall. It’s about how you meet yourself within it. You don’t just “bounce back.” You become empowered.

With each challenge, your brain forms new neural pathways. Your emotional capacity expands. Your confidence increases. You begin to trust yourself in a new way. Over time, you don’t just survive adversity—you become transformed by it.

Resilience doesn’t make life easier. It makes you stronger, wiser, and more capable of living it fully.