From Arthur Brooks -- Comparing Ourselves To Others

Charlottesville

November 13, 2026

Arthur Brooks. I wrote a lot about him several years ago. He taught (teaches?) a class at Harvard Business School on happiness. Wrote (writes) a column for The Atlantic on the same topic. He has quite an interesting background. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arthur_C._Brooks

I appreciate his approach to the topic as it is evidence based.

I recently signed up for his weekly newsletter and just received this week's email. As with most of his writings, this one made me think. I've done a pretty good job recently of beating myself up. Seems that I have forgotten some of the lessons I have learned over the past few years. (I hear the Alabama song "I'm In A Hurry And Don't Know Why" playing in my head.). I realize I need to slow down and "just be" more often than I have been.

From Mr. Brooks:

This week I’ve been thinking about an expression I hear of late from my Gen-Z students, when they feel neurotic or insecure about something. They say they are a “hot mess” compared to others. I have long made the case that most people feel that they are more messed up than their peers, to their own detriment. That’s today’s topic.

The reason why we compare ourselves negatively with others is not necessarily because we really are worse in every way. Rather, some of us probably suffer from “self-other knowledge asymmetry” (SOKA), in which we more accurately assess the traits we hide from others, while others are more accurate than us at evaluating other characteristics. For example, studies show that you are the best judge of your neuroticism; those close to you are the best judges of your intellect; meanwhile, everyone can accurately judge your extraversion.¹

Many people abet this asymmetry by believing that if they admit to weakness, others will perceive them more negatively than they actually do. We are generally unforgiving of our own weaknesses and thus keep them hidden. At the same time, we are blasé about others’ shortcomings, and even find them attractive. Some psychologists call this the “beautiful mess effect.”² We incorrectly think that others will judge us harshly for admitting to a mistake or for asking for help, when in reality people see vulnerability as sweet, or as a mark of character.

If you let these very human tendencies go unabated, your reward for self-awareness will be a lifetime of miserable self-sabotage. Fortunately, three strategies can give you a lot of relief.

1. Accurate self-perception and metaperception require knowledge of your biases. Left to your devices, you might find it easy to think of yourself as messy in comparison with others. But being mindful of the errors that lead you to that conclusion can help you reevaluate. Next time you feel ashamed of your inadequacies, meditate on two facts: First, I am the only person who sees inside my head. Second, others are suffering inside their head, just like me.

   
   

2. Show compassion by sharing. If every time you feel insecure or anxious you assume that others are as well, then you can use your own weakness as a bridge. Admit to others that you have negative emotions and ask them about theirs. It is remarkable how this opens people up, facilitates deep communication, and makes everyone feel better.

   
   

3. Embrace your hot messiness as a gift. It might be encouraging creativity and leading you to seek out new experiences, which can raise your happiness.³ Although studies have shown that physical tidiness may have benefits (clean your room!), a little bit of clutter can encourage the generation of creative ideas.⁴ Messiness releases you from conventionality and thus inspires new insights.

   
   

These three tips will help you uncomplicate your relationship with yourself. But what about our complicated relationships with others—perhaps those we don’t even know? This week on Office Hours, I explore a different kind of relationship mess: the imaginary friendships we form with celebrities, fictional characters, and even AI chatbots. Why do we get so attached to people who don’t actually know us, and what does that mean for our real-life relationships? ​Tune in to find out​!​