Susan David — Tough Emotions

Winona, Texas

March 2, 2023

This blog post from Susan David is about organizations. Reading it triggered a thought in me about how I respond to tough (or bad) emotions.

I grew up thinking that "bad" emotions were unacceptable; if I had them then something was wrong with me. It wasn't that anyone told me I should not have these emotions; it was much more insidious -- it was the way my parents reacted siliently if I ever showed such an emotion. I interpreted their silience as displeasure. Given that "bad" emotions such as anger and sadness (see list below for a partial list of more "bad" emotions) are just part of being human, what was I to do? In my little mind, I decided suppression was the right path. That might have worked in the short term, but in the long term it meant I never learned how to appropriately express my negative emotions. I am proof that bottling negative emotions ends up overpressurizing the bottle. I have had to confront that bottling problem as an adult -- and for a long time did so poorly. I'm still not good at expressing negative emotions but at least I have overcome thinking something is wrong with me for having them. At least most of the time? At least some of the time?

Ms. David's article:

Now that we’re well into the 21st century, most executives and entrepreneurs have finally caught onto the importance of workplace culture. At last, there’s broad acceptance that an office’s particular social dynamics don’t just improve or impair employee wellbeing—they affect the bottom line.

However, our ideas about what constitutes a “good” workplace culture can be simplistic. We can mistake a good culture for one where the workers are outwardly cheerful and interpersonal friction is rare. If everyone seems happy, mustn’t that mean the culture is good?

I’ve written often about the “tyranny of positivity”—the tendency of people and organizations to mark pleasant emotions as “good” and difficult ones as “bad.” Such a perspective is rigid, and rigidity in the face of change and complexity is toxic.

Even savvy leaders may find themselves dismissing the reservations of their team so that the company can “just get on with it.” And what’s worse, they’ll sometimes abuse the concept of workplace culture by accusing those who raise concerns of not being a “culture fit.”

Among myriad other misdeeds, the much publicized case of the Theranos corporation shows how CEO Elizabeth Holmes effectively concealed massive fraud by sidelining critics within the company for their (well-justified!) “negativity.”

This is, of course, an extreme example, but it underlines the importance of welcoming difficult emotions in the workplace.

For an organization to succeed, the staff needs to feel empowered to speak up when something worries them, even if these worries aren’t easy for their colleagues and superiors to hear. Problems can’t be addressed unless they’re acknowledged.

Furthermore, concealing unpleasant feelings beneath a veil of positivity doesn’t make those feelings go away. Quite the opposite! Just as the conscious attempt to ignore the fat slice of chocolate cake in the refrigerator will only cause you to obsess over it, implicitly or explicitly telling your staff to hide their concern, dissatisfaction, or even anger will only cause those feelings to fester and grow. It’s what psychologists call the amplification effect, and it can disable workplaces from the inside out.

As uncomfortable as tough emotions can be, it’s vital that companies find ways for their employees to meaningfully express them.

Don’t shrink from the hard conversations. Don’t insist that everyone hide their true feelings behind a smiling veneer. Rather, recognize these feelings as signposts that point to real issues and help organizations steer toward success.